OTTAWA — The Canada Revenue Agency confirmed this week that it is fully aware you’ve been using your home office for non-work purposes, you fucking liar.
“Do you think we’re stupid? Are we just chumps to you?” asked the CRA’s chief investigator, Paulie Fratella. “You expect us to believe your ‘office,’ which is clearly just your couch, is only being used for your little marketing job? Get the fuck outta here.”
The CRA, which recently did away with the $2/day work from home deduction, has begun cracking down on Canadians who are still trying to milk pandemic-related tax credits.
“We processed millions of returns this year, and close to 99% of home office claims were total horseshit, including yours,” said Fratella. “Well, we’ve got news for you, pal: the pajama party’s over. All those UberEats orders you wrote off as ‘business lunches’ are about to come back and bite you in the ass.”
In addition to traditional audits, the CRA will soon require anyone claiming work from home expenses to provide live webcam access to their home office 24/7.
Taxpayers who work from home are advised to remove any incriminating evidence from their workspace, including acoustic guitars, yoga mats, Rubik’s Cubes, hotplates, pet treats and nudie magazines.
“I don’t really understand why you’re being so strict about this,” complained Melanie Hanover, a web designer from Toronto whose home office was searched by Fratella and his gang of auditors. “I live in a 200 square foot bachelor apartment and I use the stove as a table. Under these rules, I’m not allowed to cook myself food.”
“Listen lady,” replied Fratella, dumping out a mug full of pens. “Do you want to save seven bucks on your fuckin’ taxes or not?”
