OTTAWA – With Monday afternoon’s eclipse expected to occur mid-afternoon, bats from across the continent have announced that they will “fucking just go bananas” during the fleeting moments of darkness.
“For too long, the only thing protecting humankind from our leathery-winged wrath has been the protection you all enjoy from the cruel sun,” explained Vlad, a long-eared myotis bat and chairman of the North American Association for Bat Supremacy.
“But with the advent of the glorious eclipse, your world shall be plunged into night and become as a playground for our kind! All of your small fruits and insects shall be ours for the taking! And perhaps even your blood – maybe some of us actually are vampires? You don’t know!”
Several additional winged NAABS members echoed their leader’s comments. “While all you dipshits are staring up at the sky through a shoebox, we’re gonna be running this whole fucking joint,” explained Bruce, a 4″ tall 7-year-old hoary bat. “I’ve always wanted to try that whole ‘getting stuck in a lady’s hair’ thing, and during the eclipse none of you wingless chodes will be able to stop me.”
“It’s the Purge for bats, motherfuckers!!” exclaimed one visibly inebriated yuma myotis bat. “You might even say, while the eclipse is on, all bats are off! Also, where can I get a gun?”
While the moon is predicted to block out the sun for just over four minutes duration in every affected area, representatives from NAABS insist this will be more than enough time for them to wreak untold nighttime havoc upon humankind.
“Our lifespans are only about 30 years tops, so we’re used to maximizing our time,” explained Vlad. “Plus, if those Qanon knuckle draggers can storm the entire US capitol in one day, imagine how much we can accomplish with literal wings!”
At press time, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced a plan to release tens of thousands of deadly hawks across Canada to combat the bats, but only if Canadians promise to vote for him in 2025.
