OTTAWA – Right wing pundit and columnist Hank Vrinden has entered into the increasingly heated conversation among conservative activists and commentators about the breakdown of traditional family values, in a recent column decrying the rising divorce rate in his house.
“Marriage is the bedrock of society,” Vrinden wrote, “but despite all this, a staggering 50% of the people I live with are deciding to initiate marital separation.”
“This is especially sad since marriage models responsibility and commitment to children, like the children Eileen refused to give me, even though she knew I’ve wanted a son ever since I saw the trailer for The Pursuit of Happyness.”
In a subsequent appearance on his podcast, where Vrinden had the opportunity to expand on the themes of his column, he emphasizes the mental and physical health benefits lifelong partnerships can have. “Husbands live longer when they have wives to take care of them, and not always ‘forget’ to buy fruit loops even though she was made specifically aware they were her husband’s favourite.”
A common theme in discussions about changing attitudes toward divorce is the generational divide between Millennials and their elders. Vrinden was quick to point this disparity out with respect to Eileen’s 39-year old therapist, whom she had started seeing nine months before initiating divorce proceedings.
In response to critics’ assertion that marriage rates for individuals over 30 are in fact rising, Vrinden pointed out that while “the next poor sap Eileen gets herself shacked up with” might experience the benefits of being married, “that’ll all go down the drain once he realizes she’ll only make him toast with the crusts on because it’s ‘not her job to cut them off.’”
Vrinden also cited examples of divorces in popular culture, like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, or Eileen’s cousin Tina, who separated from her husband five years ago and “must have put the idea in her head.”
Vrinden also expressed hope that the current generation of people in his household will consider that marriage sets out clear roles for women and men, giving them a sense of purpose with goals to work on, like the perfectly reasonable list of problem areas he identified on a swimsuit photo of Eileen.
“And sure, committing to one person can mean it might take work to keep it spicy. But at the end of the day, it’s much more satisfying than the emotionally empty pitfalls of promiscuous sex, like the kind where the woman goes on top.”
After a few months on the dating scene, Vrinden hinted to his readers he’s working on a new column warning of the dangers posed by the declining marriage rate among him.
