CALGARY – Just days after voting in a new mandate against single-use items, Calgary’s City Council has voted to scrap the entire bylaw immediately after the first time it was used.
On Tuesday an overwhelming majority of Calgary City Council voted down the once-used bylaw, which the same majority voted in only weeks before. Councillor Dan McLean commented, “We’re trying to make people’s lives simpler, not more complicated, more expensive, and more unsanitary. Calgarians deserve a freshly-passed piece of legislation, every single time.”
“What do people expect, that we’d keep re-using the same bylaw over and over again?” added Councillor Andre Chabot. “That sounds like such a pain in the butt.”
The controversial bylaw, aimed at reducing the use of disposable items like shopping bags and napkins, was promptly struck down after its first and only recorded use, at a local Foodway Grocery.
“I was checking out my groceries, and this cashier had the nerve to charge me 15 cents for a paper bag, and a whole dollar for a reusable one,” explained Marge Halverston, 38. “So I paid them their highway ransom, and I said ‘This entire bylaw should get hucked in the trash!’ And I guess my city councilor must’ve been listening, because that’s exactly what they did.”
City Hall staffers report that in addition to repealing the bylaw, every printed copy of the legislation would immediately be shredded and deposited into the Calgary Landfill. Staffers had first attempted to burn excess copies of the Single Use Bylaw, but reported that fumes from the industrial toner were combining with fumes from a nearby oil sands tailing pond.
Across the city, ordinary Calgarians weighed in on the single use bylaw’s repeal.
“I didn’t listen to the Nanny State when they told me to wear seatbelts, and I’m not gonna listen now when they say I can’t dump all my used styrofoam containers out in Canyon Creek,” answered Adeline Jacobson, 75.
“I was excited to go to Rexall and show off how I brought my own bylaw from home,” mused local granola salesman Geoff Morely, 26. “But now I’ve just got this whole drawer at home full of bulky bylaws.”
Mike Willscott, 34, responded, “I can’t wait until I can finally start buying single use pickup trucks – that’ll show those lefties!”
“Fucking Notley, man,” added Jeff Spriggs, 54. “Wait, sorry, force of habit. What was the question?”
At press time, Calgary City Councillors have expressed outrage over being charged 15 million cents for each new bylaw they pass.
