OTTAWA – The federal government’s attempt to entertain young Halloween visitors fell flat on its face this year, as almost no child has reported being scared by the main attraction: a Haunted House of Commons.
“This whole thing blows. I can’t believe I spent $7 dollars to watch a bunch of people in ghost costumes debate passing a bill about sending court documents in both official languages,” stated local 12-year-old Wally Henson, who claims he only bought a ticket because the line at the Senate Torture Chamber was too long.
“The closest thing they have to something scary is the mystery touch box, that it turns out had voter reform in it.”
Parliament Hill staffer Jenneane O’Toole, a member of the committee behind the failed horror show, says that the news that her attraction is not terrifying is a surprise to her and her team.
“I thought for sure that the part where Dracula shows up and votes in favour of Quebec Separatism was a for sure scream factory,” said O’Toole, debating whether or not to reset the pyrotechnics for the ‘Throne Speech from Hell’ show. “Well, wait until they get to the part where the ghost of John A. MacDonald rises from the grave and requests a recount on the last vote! That’ll send them running!”
Adult visitors to the Haunted House of Commons insisted that they also found the attraction to be completely mundane, and not scary in the way that was intended.
“This is what they were doing instead of working on Pharmacare?” asked local father of two Patrick Chopsky. “If we wanted to see a bunch of zombies debate whether or not to tax the rich, we would’ve asked to sit on an actual session of parliament!”
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau admits that even he’s not too impressed with how his party’s Halloween celebration turned out. “We were really counting on this to turn us around in the polls,” Trudeau said, from behind the table where he was lying in wait dressed as Paul Martin Sr in order to scare guests.
“I guess it would’ve looked better if we had actually rented a house, but they are so expensive now. Someone should do something about that,” The Prime Minister noted. “I just hope our Tunnel of Constitutional Love in February goes better.”
Other more enjoyable activities to partake in this Halloween in Ottawa include scary movies being shown in Major Hill’s Park, ghost story time at the Canadian War Museum, and the annual Escape from the Diefenbunker challenge.
At press time, the only screams the Haunted House of Commons has earned came from a delegation from Quebec, horrified by the invisible charter.
