TORONTO – In an effort to assuage concerns regarding the long overdue Eglinton Crosstown LRT, Premier Doug Ford has announced a cautiously optimistic opening date of 2236.
“I’m very pleased to finally give Torontonians something to look forward to with respect to this ongoing infrastructure project. Now we can all breathe easier knowing that there will be a firm date for the completion of that project,” the Premier beamed to assembled journalists, “and that date is definitely within the next 200 years, give or take.”
Still, government representatives warn residents to take the announcement with a grain of salt since unforeseen eventualities can delay and extend such an ambitious deadline beyond official projections. Indeed, many describe Ford’s announcement as premature and even aggressive, noting that government transit projects are better measured in geological epochs rather than mere centuries.
“I assure you that this project is closer to completion than ever before!” Ford shouted, “All that is left to do is to connect the electrical grid, inspect the rails, obtain necessary permits and inspections, finish building the stations, decide the routes, experience labour disputes, exacerbate the labour disputes, order the trains from Bombardier, fight with Bombardier about late delivery of the trains, realize we actually ordered the trains from Kawasaki, apologize to Bombardier, settle the Bombardier lawsuit, and figure out what an LRT is.”
“But once all that is done long after the death of my youngest great grandchildren, it’s gonna be one hell of a ride!” Ford continued.
The Province appears confident that the system will still be state of the art as we enter the second quarter of the millennium. The TTC is already touting a new “Ride the Rocket. No, not that actual rocket. The train one,” slogan which they hope will keep Toronto interested in below-ground travel despite the near certain availability of jetcars and teleporters by the time of opening.
“I want to thank this great city for their patience in bringing this project to life. All we ask is that you bear with us for just one or two hundred more years and all your sacrifices will pay off!” Ford bellowed into the night, “And remember, if we don’t hit our deadline, it’s all Olivia Chow’s fault!”
Ford hopes to use the experience with the Eglinton LRT as a template for the construction of his long-desired downtown relief line which is expected to be finished sometime between now and the heat death of the universe.
