INNISFIL — A recent survey of local satanists has revealed that the alley behind St. Barnabas Catholic Church is officially the unholiest place in town, edging out the slaughterhouse, the abandoned doll factory, and the men’s room at Popeyes.
“It really is the epicentre of dark energy around here,” says occultist Desmond DuVall. “Anyone who grew up in this area has probably done something depraved back there, and it holds a special place in all our hearts.”
The alley has been a hub for illicit activity since the church was erected in 1959, and most residents cite it as being an instrumental part of their adolescence.
“A lot of big events in my life happened behind St. Barney’s,” says insurance broker Paddy Finch. “It’s where I drank my first beer, smoked my first cigarette, and participated in my first blood orgy. I still pop by once in a while for old times’ sake, and to score PCP.”
Kayleigh Paulson, a sophomore at Innisdale Secondary School, confirmed that although the methods of debauchery may have changed over the years, the alley is still very much a landmark for younger generations.
“Kids in my grade will go back there to vape, or pop in a vodka-soaked tampon,” says Paulson. “Some of us have also started summoning a Mesopotamian demon called Namtar who shows us visions of the end times. He’s actually super funny and chill.”
Far from being opposed to the alley, though, the parishioners at St. Barnabas fully support maintaining it as a den of iniquity.
“As a God-fearing person, it really gives you perspective,” says congregant Allan Grant. “Just steps from the church entrance you can see examples of all seven deadly sins, often being perpetrated at the same time.”
Father Thomas O’Reilly agrees that the immoral deeds taking place on his doorstep are a necessary evil.
“If they don’t commit their sins in the alley, they’re just going to commit them somewhere else,” says O’Reilly. “Plus, it makes the confession booth a lot more interesting. And after all, a bit of fun isn’t going to hurt anyone, aside from the nine people and dozens of small animals that have died back there this year. But funerals just mean more business for the church, so it’s win-win.”
