REGINA – Pathetic beta male Greg Sharpe is completely humiliating himself by asking the police for an update on his missing wife every single day.
“We keep telling Greg to kick back, have a couple brewskis, and play Call of Duty until Linda turns up, but he’s all ‘Has anyone made a ransom demand?’ and ‘Do you think she’s even still alive?’” said Detective Alan Steiner. “What a fucking pussy.”
Linda Sharpe hasn’t been heard from since her car was found abandoned in a Safeway parking lot two weeks ago with her purse and phone still inside. Authorities have described the case as “baffling,” “challenging,” and “a chance for Greg to finally enjoy a little peace and quiet.”
“At this point I don’t even answer his calls,” Detective Steiner said. “Like, we’ll get to her when we get to her. Give us a little space, dude.”
Sharpe has promised a financial reward for any information leading to his wife’s whereabouts, even though he could be spending all that money on steak and whisky without his nagging shrew of a wife insisting it would “aggravate his heart condition.”
“I love Linda very much,” said the sad little pantywaist. “I just want her home.”
While Sharpe begs for information on his wife like a nebbish milksop, his loved ones have been doing their best to keep the emasculated crybaby’s spirits up.
“I invited Greg to come out to the strip club with the boys, but he said he just wanted to stay home in case a kidnapper tried to get in touch with him,” said Greg’s best friend. “And then when we sent a stripper to his house he just cried. What a lameo.”
At press time, the lily-livered prissy was hiring a private detective, as if the total Nancy-boy thought he could win some dorky Husband of the Year award with all his tryhard behaviour.
“I’ll do my best to find Mrs. Sharpe,” the detective said. “But failing that, I’ll see if I can locate Mr. Sharpe’s testicles.”
