EDMONTON – Sources in Jason Freeman’s apartment have reported that the 28-year-old accountant is finally finishing up the HelloFresh meal kit that arrived over four weeks ago.
“Jason just let the box take up space in the fridge until tonight, when he offered us mushroom risotto with a side of tomato risotto and an appetiser of nacho cheese risotto, which I’d never heard of,” Freeman’s roommate said. “He claimed he just felt like treating us to dinner, but then he served ‘dessert risotto,’ which I’m pretty sure is just vegetable risotto he dumped a bunch of sugar on.”
While Freeman surreptitiously disposed of a reeking, pulpous mass that experts theorise may have once been kale, he insisted he was rapidly making use of his ingredients.
“I’ve been really busy lately, so I’ve been forced to save time by ordering a lot of fast food instead of cooking the pre-prepared meals I purchased to save time on grocery shopping,” Freeman told a reporter while having a double turkey burger with shrimp for breakfast. “Meal boxes are still great for my hectic lifestyle, but you do need a chunk of time to pick all the mold off.”
“I’m just glad he bothered to refrigerate this box,” Freeman’s other roommate said. “No one bought that last month’s steak tartare smelled like that because it was ‘French-style.’ I guess I probably shouldn’t have eaten it, but how many modern Canadians can brag that they’ve beaten dysentery?”
“What I love about meal boxes is that they include recipes, but you can still experiment if you’re in the mood,” Freeman said while cobbling together a romantic dinner for his girlfriend with two strips of bacon, a smattering of nacho chips, the least gnarly-looking third of a cucumber, shrivelled blueberries, and powdered alfredo sauce. “Hey, does this smell more like vinegar or ranch dressing to you?”
At press time, Freeman had accidentally let his meal box service auto-renew for the 37th straight month.
