KITCHENER – Local carpenter and casual environmentalist Kai Ambrose has announced he’s really excited about using a disposable, paper straw for his recently purchased soft drink, blissfully unaware of the profound frustration waiting for him later in his beverage.
“I think it’s a really great thing, phasing out single use plastics and replacing them with things like this straw,” Ambrose reported, filled with the sort of irresponsible hubris reserved for those whose comestible comeuppance is nigh, “it’s just such a functional, pleasant-to-use product that I’m certain will carry me unerringly through this Sprite.”
Paper straw manufacturers confirm that Ambrose’s enthusiasm is wildly premature, urging all users to remember that what was once a clever replacement for plastic trash will soon become a nightmare of disintegrating pulp filling your mouth. They point out the hefty disclaimers on the product’s wrapping which indicate it is designed for the small portion of the population which enjoys minimal improvements to the environment and the taste of recycled newspaper in equal measure.
“Yep! It almost doesn’t matter that the straw is slowly losing its integrity as my teeth haphazardly contact it during sips!” Ambrose gushed, “the trivial impact this specific issue has on nature is definitely worth my growing frustration with this endeavour!”
Despite customer complaints, fast-food manufacturers have embraced the new straws for their versatility, functionality, and the fact that you only need three, maybe four of them to actually finish your goddamn drink. As a bonus, they let retailers pretend they have pivoted to environmentally conscious thinking despite the literal thousands of other instances of single-use, non-biodegradable products in their industry.
“Hold on, I just have to spit out little parts of this straw stuck to my tongue for a second,” beamed Ambrose, the growing dread of this unholy monstrosity of a simple tool turned soggy bolus of masticated garbage seizing him from deep within his soul, “Where was I? Yeah, it’s….. it’s pretty………… pretty alright.”
At last observation, Ambrose was seen disposing of the remains of the straw on the city sidewalk, forced to put his lips to the rim of his drink like a fucking barbarian.
