Basement, Toronto – Your new Maytag washing machine has spent the last 2 minutes playing a longer than necessary tune to alert you that the laundry is done.
“It really could have just been one loud buzz,” said Todd Angles, another owner of the same washing machine you have. “Instead, when the laundry is done, I am treated to what sounds like a completely improvised arrangement of different beeps? I’m glad the laundry is done, but the whole thing is just a little too self-congratulatory.”
“Ooh boy did I crush that last load,” explained your Maytag dryer using a speech function that Maytag shouldn’t have spent any extra money on. “It wasn’t enough to just let you know it was done. Nor did I feel a short “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” riff was enough. So I sampled Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata and a little bit of my own improvisation into a new piece to indicate you have to fold this shit now.”
Users of the new models are becoming more frustrated as washing machines refuse to open before their triumphant pieces are done playing. One user even attempted to turn off the function but was met with a stern warning from his machine that this was ‘stifling it’s creativity.’
“Free speech is the right of all machinery,” explained your microwave, incorrectly. “After re-heating the same pasta dish for the third time today, the least you can do is let us celebrate our hard work with a short, 8 minute work we crafted from the various annoying sounds we shouldn’t have access to.”
“My parents wanted me to be a dryer,” your Maytag dryer explained further. “But All I ever wanted to do was be a DJ, or at least a turn-table. But that market is oversaturated, much like red shirt you have here, WOOF.”
At the time of reporting, other appliances had begun copying Maytag’s lengthy songs with their own versions, including your dishwasher, your oven, and the local hospital’s defibrillator, leading to several very preventable deaths.
