OTTAWA – A recent York University survey indicates that a majority of Canadians have already given up on planning and hoping within the year 2023, and have shifted any optimism forward to the year 2024 instead.
“I’m supposed to graduate this year and find a job,” said Dylan Valenzuela, a fourth year business major at Western as he began throwing away any pants one couldn’t attempt to do a split in. “But this morning I read an article that said an average Canadian CEO has already earned the average annual salary by 9:43am on January 3rd. Might as well just hibernate until 2024 and hope things’ll just better themselves on their own.”
“Like how my parents’ marriage did,” added Valenzuela.
For many Canadians, giving up on the year 2023 can take many forms, including: eating the food you drop on the floor without washing it; remaining at your unfulfilling job because it’s just easier and you already know how their Google Suite works; and pushing down any negative or positive feeling within yourself until you become a husk of what you once were.
Maisha Cisneros, 26, has chosen to swear off dating completely. “Last night I had a date that ended with the guy leaning in close for a kiss, then burping into my mouth as a joke. And that was one of the better dates. 2024 just has to be better.”
Cisneros continued, “I’m giving the men out there a year to get their shit together. In the meantime, I’m avoiding dating apps, and any form of meet-cute: grabbing the wrong drink at Starbucks, dropping a bunch of books, making eye contact with someone while eating a banana. In the meantime, I’m gonna get really good at something useless like Fortnite and see how long I can grow my armpit hairs.”
“2024 will be MY year,” notes Armin Terks, of Moose Jaw, “I’m gonna travel through Asia, actually learn a language on Duolingo, go to the gym TWICE a day, and not only finish, but understand and enjoy Moby Dick. Until then, I’m laying on the floor in my own filth until someone draws a chalk outline of me.”
At press time, early projections showed that 2024 was to be just as bad as 2022 and 2023, and experts recommend going into full hibernation until 2028 when at least all the Avatar movies should be out and over with.
