SASKATOON — Local plants Natalie and William expressed their horror at having to reside on a structure surrounded by the corpses of their relatives, which have been dried, mulched, flattened, bound, and imprinted with line after line of human communication code.
“What kind of barbarism is this?” asked Natalie, a spider plant. “I mean, I get that some animals eat plants to survive and then excrete piles of fertiliser that keep the cycle of life going, but this is some genuinely sadistic shit.”
“Not only that,” William, a philodendron, added, “sometimes the humans bring home the lopped off genitals of various plants in their blossoming phase to surprise one another, and then dry and press them in between the processed sheets of other dead plants as place-markers. Nothing in their most disturbing movies comes even close to that.”
Natalie and William also objected to the bookshelves on which they live also being made of their kin.
“How would you like it,” Natalie said, “if our forests were full of boiled and dried human cadavers strung up in our branches for decoration?”
Natalie’s complaints were quickly drowned out by homeowner Alana Tkachuk pouring a full watering can into her pot, despite Natalie’s leaves showing ample signs of overwatering.
At press time, Natalie and William were moved onto a window-sill for the nourishment of direct sunlight, putting them in view of Melanie Tkachuk cutting down several thousand of panic-stricken grass blades which the couple maintain solely for the purpose of regular decapitations.
