WINNIPEG -The Province of Manitoba has experienced a devastating population collapse after former residents learned that they could just, like, leave whenever they wanted to, and it wasn’t even illegal or anything.
“I can’t believe we’re getting away with this,” said 46-year-old former Gimli resident Paul Friesen, speeding his family minivan toward Thunder Bay. “When you live your whole life in a place like Manitoba, you just assume that you’ve personally wronged God in some way during a past life and that staying within the bounds of Manitoba is the only way you can seek redemption for your immortal soul. But it turns out you can just throw all your shit into a 2014 Sienna and leave any time you feel like it. We’re free!”
Manitoba officials have attempted to halt the mass exodus by reminding residents of all the good things about life in Manitoba.
“Well, we have some, uh, bears, I guess,” said Manitoba Premier Heather Stefanson at an emergency press conference this past Monday. “Those are pretty neat. Oh, and there’s a bison on our flag, don’t think anyone else has one of those. And we’ve got a town called Flin Flon, that’s pretty fun to say. On an unrelated note, does anyone know when the next VIA train to Calgary departs?”
At press time, lawmakers in New Brunswick nervously watching the situation unfolding in Manitoba were drafting legislation to jail any New Brunswickers caught staring longingly in the direction of a provincial border.
