OTTAWA, ON- The Canadian government announced it would continue to support Ukrainian forces by sending an entire shipping container of duct tape to the embattled nation to aid in the repairs to the already damaged armaments they had sent earlier.
“We are addressing Ukraine’s most pressing defence needs in close collaboration with our partners and allies. Specifically, the need to make the hand-me-down guns we sent them last a bit longer.” Defence Minister Anita Anand announced last week. “With these rolls of duct tape, the barrels of our previously donated howitzers will hold tighter than the bonds between our two nations.”
According to Canadian military experts, duct tape is considered to be invaluable to the Ukrainian army in its ongoing defence. In addition to maintaining the integrity of a gun, it also assists in camouflaging it against the natural silver environment of the battleground. Also, it’s theorized that the Ukrainian arms may eventually become undetectable by radar and infrared once the item it is attached to becomes more tape than metal.
Inspired by their government’s generosity, many Canadians are earning pats on the back by also donating duct tape from their personal reserves. “I was going to use this to fix my son’s hockey stick, but I think a victory against Russia is worth the junior league winning slapshot,” says Ed Tomas of Winnipeg, filling a box with as much duct tape as he could spare without leaving himself vulnerable to the 18th month procurement period to get more.
News of the donation has been greatly received to great acclaim amongst the Ukrainian population. “I mean, I would’ve preferred they gave us fresh out-of-the-box weapons, but I appreciate that now my countryman can actively repair their weapons instead of just pooling together all the functional parts and seeing if a new one can be made.” Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy said in a recent interview. “Maybe we’ll see if we can make something out of those Avro Arrows we got from them last week.”
When questioned why the Ministry of Defence didn’t send higher quality equipment initially to eliminate the need for a donation of adhesive, Anand claims that’s what they thought they were doing. “It turns out not having a big enough industrial-military complex really left us without a lot of spare weapons. We have a lot of muskets, but everything else we usually borrow from the States.”
“The only things we have that wouldn’t have broken down in a week are a couple of tanks that Trudeau says he’s saving in case Saudi Arabia wants more.”
Amongst Canadian military gear, duct tape is possibly the most prolific item in the Canadian army. The shiny adhesive has played a role in many Canadian military history moments, such as holding WWII tanks together, keeping loose bayonets in place during the war of 1812, and the fabled JTF2 Operation Stick Up, a plan to remove Saddam Hussain by covertly taping him to the back of his office door.
In addition to the valuable tape, the Ministry of Defence is also throwing in an instructional Red Greene Show DVD, one of those toy guns that shoots out a little flag that says “BANG!”, and a pair of flintlock pistols they thought would be worth more at the antique market. The Ministry is reportedly cutting down on shipping costs by sending the care package with the same delivery carrying the turbine they were returning to Germany.
The American government has pledged to follow suit by sending over a hundred Fonz impersonators to teach the Ukrainian army how to repair military vehicles by hitting them in a certain way.
At press time, the Federal government shut down a proposal to send electrical tape next time, citing concerns of escalating the conflict and the destruction that could be wrought if such tape fell into the wrong hands.
