MANHATTAN — Oral hygiene giant Colgate-Palmolive has announced a new line of sensitivity-increasing toothpastes designed to cater to the needs of fucked-up little pain goblins everywhere.
Colgate says that the new formulation of their popular toothpaste will be as effective at cleaning teeth as it is at producing the exquisite jolt of pain that reminds you that you’re still alive, god damn it.
“Our patented two-step cleaning action, first gently washes away any plaque and tartar buildup then violently scratches its way through the enamel like a rabid wolverine.” said spokesperson Kendra Roberts. “This allows irritants to sink deep into the tooth nerve, setting it on fire.”
Remember, the burning, searing sensation means it’s working!”, added Roberts, flashing a throbbing red smile.
“I really lik-AAHH!” Diego Ortega, a beta-tester, started to say only for it to turn into a scream as his teeth contacted the open air. After several minutes, he was finally able to express his approval of the product by clutching his mouth and giving a thumbs up.
Colgate has confirmed that at launch, the new toothpaste will be available in three varieties of sublime torment: tin foil sting, ice-cold shock and botched root canal. In addition, the toothpastes will also only be available in cinnamon flavour to further hammer home that this product is intended for twisted fucks.
Not to be out done, rival corporation Crest has simultaneously debuted its new line of teeth-loosening strips, promising “noticeably wiggler teeth in just 3 days.”
