by : Reginald C. Bancroft
As the concept of universal basic income (UBI) pushes its way to the forefront of modern politics thanks to pandemic assistance like CERB, I feel I must speak up and clarify that my opposition to the social program is not for fear of the economy but rather because I take immense pleasure in the anguish and suffering of my fellow man.
The proposed program of UBI, largely championed by the left, has drawn criticism from the right who claim the economy cannot sustain giving out millions of dollars worth of “handouts”.
As someone who considers himself to be financially liberal and socially conservative, I am all for the government dolling out wads of cash and handsome tax breaks so long as it’s going towards banks, corporations, and tax breaks for my second smaller yacht that nests inside of my other, much bigger yacht.
I cannot stress enough that this is not about money. All of my wealth is in solid gold and fresh water reserves. I’m going to be fine, I just don’t want to be bored.
That’s why I draw the line at giving money to people who will use it solely to keep their heads above water. Guaranteeing everyone in this country has enough money that they don’t have to decide who gets to eat will rob me of the sublime pleasure I have knowing I don’t have to worry about money because I’m daddy’s special boy.
CERB is a perfect example of why I could never support a government subsidized wage. While the pandemic left many uncertain, CERB helped alleviate stress and afforded stability to some of the country’s most vulnerable. In some cases, it even allowed upward mobility as many in the service industry finally had the time and resources to switch careers.
Where’s the fun in that?
If I had my choice, the government would put a $20 bill in the middle of a stadium and have all the poors fight for it Thunderdome style while I ate gold flaked caviar. At the very least, we should have brought back depression era dance marathons.
In summary, if everyone is afforded a modest financial top up then how would I, a man who was born into wealth and a false sense of superiority, derive entertainment and self fulfillment? Call me old fashioned but I believe that if the poor of this country want to achieve financial stability they should pull themselves up by their bootstraps and then begin self flagellation with the same strap for my own sick enjoyment.