OTTAWA – Observers at universities across the country have reported that current conservative leadership front-runner Pierre Poilievre has managed the impressive feat of embodying a comprehensive array of all the worst people in your political science seminar within a unitary corporeal form.
“It’s quite remarkable what the Conservatives have accomplished,” said third-year Carleton University political science major Mustafa Alvi. “They’ve managed to take the smarminess of the guy who volunteers as treasurer for campus young conservatives, the general insufferability of the pre-law dork, and the eerie keenness of the guy in your social policy seminar who brings a briefcase to class, and fuse them into one single person.”
Students at universities outside Ottawa too have been struck by the sheer quantity of unbearable poli sci student personalities encapsulated within Poilievre’s singular consciousness.
“I’ve never seen such a holistic fusion of all the most annoying traits of political science students,” said fourth-year U of T political science major Jake Levine, noting that his insufferability seemed to transcend partisan lines. “Poilievre has managed to take the false earnestness of the student government guy, the know-it-all longwindedness of the debate club girl, and the unbearable edgelordness of that guy who always says he’s ‘playing devil’s advocate’ when talking about things like abortion and niqab bans, and then has managed to combine all these pedantic personality types together, like one giant megazord of tediousness.”
Poilievre has also managed to encapsulate the worst kinds of politically agnostic students in your poli sci seminar as well.
“He’s like the person in an upper year seminar who’s always trying to make everything about their own super niche interests, despite what the class is actually about,” says third-year UBC political science major Cecilia Chang.
“He’s like the guy in your Friday morning seminar after pub night completely sober trying to make the whole discussion about how using blockchain technology for land treaties would have decreased disputes with First Nations had it existed during European colonization, and the whole time you’re like, dude this is a seminar on global environmental policy and we’re all hungover, give it a rest.”
Fourth-year York University political science major Katie Wiles remarked that Poilievre, who has repeatedly referred to himself publicly as candidate for Prime Minister, despite being yet to even secure the leadership of his own party, clearly managed to capture yet another one of the worst types of people in your poli sci seminar.
“He has the unfounded sense of self-importance of that guy in your first-year poli sci seminar who volunteered for their local MPs campaign and then when they won carried himself for the rest of the semester as if he was a shoe-in to be the next Prime Minister, when really we all knew they only let him volunteer because no one else would do it.”
