SEATTLE, WA — University of Washington scientists have deciphered the language Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder has been singing in for the past 32 years.
Named “Project Throat Noise”, UW scientists were first led to trying to decipher the language when they questioned how Pearl Jam could be so successful and sell out stadiums to this day when no one understood what Vedder has been singing all these years.
“It’s unprecedented, really,” said project lead Dr. Jerry Boonheimer. “Bands and musicians have crossed the language barrier successfully in the past, but rarely have there been cases of no one on Earth knowing what is being sung. Even scat was better understood than Pearl Jam songs.”
The team of 13 scientists have deciphered what they are calling “Vedderish” by analyzing Vedder’s various groans and mumbles in relation to how much he sweats and how loud he sings in live performances.
“Forming the vocabulary was the easy part. As it turns out, the vocabulary of Vedderish is quite limited and rudimentary,” explained linguist Dr. Anna Lee. “It’s a lot of mundane Seattle things like the Seahawks, the Space Needle, and Starbucks. Interestingly, it seems there are eight Vedderish words to describe the concept of rain.”
After breaking down the known vocabulary of Vedderish, the team of scientists slowly pieced together words to form grammar, syntax, and even something resembling sarcasm.
“What sounds like a long ‘oh’ in English is actually how you would say ‘give me’ in Vedderish,” explained Lee. “And what sounds like “I’m still alive” in English is Vedderish for ‘box wine’. So, in the chorus of ‘Alive’, Vedder is actually singing ‘give me box wine’. Remarkable isn’t it?”
There has been some skepticism around Project Throat Noise among Pearl Jam fans. “Dude, this is all bullshit because I’ve known what Yellow Ledbetter has been about all these years,” said balding 40-something year old Brandon MacKay. “It’s about the declining lead industry due to the rise of plastics, bro. Yellow because your eyes get jaundiced when you drink too many light beers. Happens to me…”
Project Throat Noise scientists are hoping this breakthrough can help them decipher other unknown languages in music, including “Dylanese”, “Kiedish”, and “Eilishean”.
