OTTAWA – Canadians celebrated their inaugural Emotional Labour Day this Tuesday, a holiday honouring the women who thanklessly drain their emotional resources for the sake of keeping the peace.
At a press conference, Liberal MP Doug Balmer underscored the importance of the holiday, “We, as a society, think we’re entitled to a woman’s time and energy, and I know because I cornered my female colleague and forced her to explain that to me”.
“Every day, thousands of women burn themselves out by softening their tone at work, gritting their teeth through sexist jokes, or just generally modifying their behaviour to make the men in their lives more comfortable, the MP explained, “and that makes me uncomfortable, so we’re gonna do something about it!”
Despite Balmer’s optimism, feminist Susan Chan claims that a day off does nothing for women, especially women of colour, who are disproportionately expected to remain pleasant to be taken seriously. Balmer promised to listen to her concerns “once she stops being such a friggin’ nag”.
With schools and daycares closed, hundreds of mothers were forced to take their children to their shift work. “Normally I’m used to male customers telling me to smile”, moaned barista Anna Hanson as she scraped milk foam out of her toddler’s ears, “But now they’re legally required to do it because it’s my special day!”
Hanson then frantically apologized for “getting emotional” and wished the MP the best of luck in his endeavour. “As long as Mr. Balmer is happy, I’ll manage just fine”.
The day ended on a high with the first ever Emotional Labour Day parade. Thousands of men flocked to the streets dressed as their favourite emotional labourers: the girlfriends they unload their feelings on, the wives they label “hysterical”, or the female coworkers they treat as their personal therapists.
Despite the criticism, Balmer claimed the holiday was a success. He also reminded the public that he’s open to suggestions for next year. “If women want something different, all they have to do is ask.”
