MOSCOW – As a mustered force of 100,000 Russian soldiers stands by at the Ukrainian border, Russian President Vladimir Putin was reportedly spotted at his Novo-Ogaryevo residence debating the benefits of a long and bloody World War over a geopolitically-fracturing Cold War.
Sources inside the Russian government report that Putin has been absolutely ‘‘beside himself’ for weeks, deep in deliberation over whether he was more in the mood for a sequel to the deadliest armed conflict in history or the time that mankind was seconds away from thermonuclear extinction.
“I worry about him,” says a senior official who declined to be named. “[Putin] has been barely eating or sleeping and I can’t remember the last time he used state police to brutally crack down on his political opponents. He used to love that.”
The Russian leader was most recently heard announcing that he was “not to be disturbed” before disappearing into his study with a large ream of easel paper and box of markers. The Beaverton has obtained a copy of an internal memo from the desk of the President.
WORLD WAR
Pros
– Comedy comes in threes.
– People are still talking about the second world war. Brand longevity!
Cons
– Have to come up a Russian word for lebensraum.
– Can I really live up to Stalin’s legacy?
COLD WAR
Pros
– Much less work.
– Space Race 2 (Race to the Sun?)
Cons
– Doesn’t quite have that ‘wow’ factor.
– Espionage a lot less fun now that everything on computers.
At press time, a strongly-worded joint statement from the NATO countries warned Putin that any further military actions taken against Ukraine “could perhaps lead to strong-ish consequences that may or may not happen. Possibly.”
