ETOBICOKE, ON – Neighbours and co-workers were shocked this week to learn that 36-year-old Rhonda Bartlie is not actually a dedicated soccer mom – she just drives a minivan and is rude.
“The second I learned she doesn’t have kids enrolled in any sport, I had to wonder…. why is she always cutting me off at the grocery store with a cart full of gatorade, baby carrots, and pre-sliced oranges?” mused neighbour Andres Caiazzo, who confirmed Rhonda is never seen without her fanny pack and whistle. “I asked around and it turns out, she just runs a very specific menu for her neighborhood brunches.”
“Which I would know if she ever invited me,” Mr. Caiazzo added.
Neighbours of Ms. Bartlie are now confused by her soccer mom aura – a combination of soft athleisure fashion and blunt communication style – with many guessing she simply likes to be comfortable while cutting down fools. Acquaintances are also concerned by the two minivans filled with toys, beach towels, and soccer balls in her driveway despite no children ever being spotted on her property.
“Are those minivans for her alone? That’s haunting. And so bad for the environment,” said co-worker Sarah-Lee Merrick.
Many at Ms. Bartlie’s office refer to her as a go-getter, making meetings more efficient by shouting “bad call, ump!” whenever anyone goes long on their agenda items; others described her as having no fear of anyone, like a soccer mom crossed with a literal bear. One colleague who begged not to be named said she constantly has an energy that reads, “Hurry up, I have to get Timmy to his game!”
“But there is no game. There is no Timmy. There’s never been a Timmy,” said the colleague, before reflexively checking to make sure Rhonda wasn’t eavesdropping.
The local children’s soccer league confirmed they have no kids with the surname “Bartlie” participating currently, though they have received numerous complaints about league policies from a “rowdy_redcard_rhonda at gmail dot com.”
“One time I saw her make a gym teacher cry at the park, but it turns out that was unrelated to athletics,” offered office-mate Melinda Fensby, who could’ve sworn Ms. Bartlie had a soccer season calendar taped up by her desk. “I think she was just dumping him hard.”
At press time, Ms. Bartlie could not be reached for comment but the hot goss in the Nextdoor app suggested she started dating a childless hockey dad, AKA a loud alcoholic with great team spirit.
