TORONTO – In the month since Ontario’s minimum wage went from $14.25 up to $14.35, the province’s workers are celebrating their earnings by adding an additional eight dime candies to their daily meal plans.
Premier Ford released a statement on the wage increase, saying, “It’s long been the Canadian dream that every citizen can afford those chocolate loonies. I’m proud to take Ontario minimum wage workers one tenth of the way there.”
“I’ll never forget the look of respect from the cashier when I rolled up with eight more Swedish Berries than usual. I felt like a Kardashian!” said Toronto retail worker Matthew Riggie, who explained his stomach was growling purely from excitement.
Workers are celebrating the increase not just in their wages, but in their standard of living. “My doctor said I was at risk for scurvy, but now I can afford Fuzzy Peaches!” said barista Alana Ploense. “I hope that helps with my teeth falling out – replacement gummy teeth are way expensive.” Experts are also expecting a baby boom in 9 months, as psychologists have confirmed that the only greater aphrodisiac than financial security is popping buttered popcorn Jelly Bellies on date night.
Previously, the Ford government cancelled a minimum wage increase planned by the Wynne government, saying it would destroy small businesses, tank the unemployment rate, and send Ontario into an apocalyptic dystopia. “But now it’s a double-negative with the pandemic, so it’s cool,” said Ford. “They cancel each other out, like chocolate coating on a Sour Key.”
Experts say workers are even using their candy earnings outside of the candy aisle, on high-scale items like Fritos knock-off brand ‘Fartos’ and one-ply toilet paper instead of half-ply. “So glad I can afford that luxury – I always seem to have diarrhea,” said Ms. Ploense, chewing on her breakfast Cherry Bomb.
Not all Ontario residents are thrilled by the increase to minimum wage; local investor and 23-time home buyer Margaret Winstonne expressed her concern on Facebook, saying, “these low wage workers will waste their extravagant wages on things like ‘lunch’ and also ‘dinner,’ rather than more practical investments like off-shore accounts or buying property to keep empty.”
At press time, confectionery stores announced they will soon compensate for increased demand and the natural rate of inflation by raising prices on all dime candies, a move economists are calling “A boon to the free market, baby!”
