CANADA ― As the votes are tabulated in the 2021 election, analysts project that ‘reducing Canadian carbon emissions to a reasonable proportion of recommended global rates’ has lost to Liberal Justin Trudeau/Conservative Erin O’Toole.
In his victory speech, Prime Minister Trudeau/Prime Minister-designate O’Toole will thank his supporters for their votes and the environment for a good race. The Energy Lobby of Canada, a political group which recruits candidates for the two major parties and strong critic of Mother Nature, is reportedly overjoyed with the results.
The incumbent, Justin Trudeau, ran on a promise to continue his current solution to the existential crisis: kicking the can down the road until the road is either underwater or engulfed in flames. However, Conservative challenger Erin O’Toole vowed that under his leadership, Canada would take a new trajectory on climate change.
“Conservatives are the party of everyday Canadians like you. That means honest talk for honest people. And in that spirit, we won’t gloss over this problem one moment longer. If you elect me, I’ll make it abundantly clear to everyone, within Canada and around the world: we don’t give a flying fuck about the environment, and we ain’t doing shit to save it,” he told supporters in his final speech before Canadians headed to the polls.
The NDP and Greens expressed interest in forming a minority government with climate action’s support, disputing speculation that any alliance would quickly disintegrate if either longshot party were to actually gain power. However, the idea of throwing the world’s youth and future generations under the energy-inefficient bus to save a few dollars in taxes resonated with voters, catapulting ‘if I can’t see the monster, it can’t see me’ to a landslide victory against ‘guys, the monster is already killing us, maybe we should fight it or something.’
In its concession speech, nature congratulated Trudeau/O’Toole and implored supporters not to despair. “I know it looks bad, but if you think about it, common sense and foresight had no influence in Canadian government before the election, and now they still don’t, so we’re really no more screwed than we were in 2019…or will be in 2025…wait, that’s not uplifting. Let me restart.”
At press time, the winning party’s climate plan was being criticized by far too many Canadians as “too leftist.”
