EDMONTON, AB- Despite continuous public outcry and numerous petitions, Alberta Premier Jason Kenney remains adamant that he will not have a poster depicting Sir John A. MacDonald taken down from his bedroom wall.
“Liberals just don’t get how great Old J.A.M. is!” Kenney said from his room, where he has currently barricaded himself to prevent anyone from sneaking in and tearing down the poster. “I don’t remember anyone complaining about the treatment of the Indigenous when he built this country. People like to forget that without him, we wouldn’t have John Deifenbaker!”
Kenney’s mother Lynne, who is also of the opinion that the poster should be removed, describes the uphill battle she has faced getting her son to reconsider his decorations. “I know boys his age tend to go through a problematic hero phase, but I’m starting to get worried. I found MacDonalds’ biography hidden in a copy of one of his Playboys, and he started talking back to me in that weird Scottish accent. I haven’t had the courage to ask if that meal at the Sky Palace was some kind of Confederation LARPing session.”
“I tried to find a different Father of Confederacy poster for him to replace it with, but all the store had in stock was George Brown, which he did not go for.”
When asked why he cared so much about the poster, Kenney says it has sentimental value for him. “I was just an angsty student at the University of San Francisco when I first discovered old-school Conservatism. I couldn’t have started that petition to suspend the Women’s Law Student Association charter without Old MacDaddy here for moral support.”
“I bought this poster so I could look at it and remind myself that I too can become the leader of this great nation and try to take voting rights away from Chinese-Canadians.”
Other problematic items in Kenney’s room include a Julie Payette doll, a Jordan Peterson calendar, and a poster of Egerton Ryerson hung on the ceiling over his bed.
When asked how he felt about MacDonald’s role in the Pacific scandal and blatant alcoholism, Kenney told the press to “shut up and get out of my room” as he hid under his Stephen Harper bedsheets.
Lynne Kenney would like to remind readers that Jason is going through a tough time right now with the death of the Keystone XL pipeline.
