THE AFTERLIFE – Former U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who died today at the age of 88, will reportedly get his long-awaited chance to confront deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein as the two are set to be reunited in Hell’s everlasting lake of fire.
“In a way, this is what Donald always wanted,” explained a Pentagon source close to Rumsfeld. “Throughout his career Secretary Rumsfeld had a singular focus on taking the fight to Saddam Hussein, but always regretted that he never got to confront the man face-to-face.”
“Now, with Rumsfeld’s immortal soul being consigned to never-ending torment due to the hundreds of thousands of needless deaths he caused by lying to the American people in order to invade Iraq, he’ll finally get that meeting,” the source added.
While all agree that Rumsfeld will and should face an eternity of damnation for his complicity in the Iraq War, some have expressed doubt that he will be judged unworthy enough to be cast down into the same fiery depths as the late Chairman of the Revolutionary Command Council of Iraq. However, sources inside the Infernal Kingdom of the Prince of Lies confirm that Rumsfeld’s many war crimes, with Iraqi casualty estimates as high as 1,033,000 excess deaths, are “more than enough to gain him entry into our Saddam-tier of VIPs.”
Infernal sources indicate that Hussein is also eager to meet up with Rumsfeld, as the encounter will serve to break up the monotony of his agonizing torment for his own lifetime of atrocities.
Said Decarabia, a noted Great Marquis of Hell with 30 legions of demons under his command, “Given the staggering amount of innocent Iraqi citizens each of these men have indirectly sentenced to death, we expect these guys to have plenty in common to chat about.”
Theologians report that Rumsfeld can expect to find himself in the elite Ninth Circle of Hell, reserved for those whose earthly crimes involve treachery. Beyond just Saddam Hussein, former Secretary Rumsfeld can expect to rub elbows with Attila the Hun, Joseph Stalin, and “local celebrity” Adolph Hitler.
“That is, when Donald isn’t busy being forced to confront the unending horror of each and every innocent life he remorselessly destroyed,” added Decarabia. “It’s a packed schedule!”
At press time Donald Rumsfeld’s objections to being eternally tortured were overruled by Satan, who pointed to a memo signed by Donald Rumsfeld.
