TORONTO – The NHL has announced that referee Tim Peel will no longer be working NHL games after being caught on mic saying that he wanted to give a penalty to one team regardless of infraction. After long-suspecting that one referee was the source of all bad ref calls across all NHL games, Commissioner Gary Bettman considers the problem solved.
“We’ve fixed hockey once and for all,” said Bettman. “To all those nay-sayers who said that there’s a whole series of pervasive and systemic officiating problems, just wait. All games will be wonderfully officiated now, no more ‘game management’. Now that we’ve removed Tim Peel, no further action is necessary. And if it was, we certainly wouldn’t tell you.”
Fans have long complained about a variety of officiating issues including arbitrary goaltender interference, off-sides, hits to the head, the last few minutes of play and playoff “rules.” While Tim Peel has long been noted as an egregiously uneven referee, it is only with this audio evidence that action has been taken.
“I knew it was him,” said long-time fan Ally Chin. “I’ve watched so many games and yelled at Peel for so long. Even games where he wasn’t reffing and I saw even-out penalties being called, I suspected it was because Tim Peel was telling them to do so. I’m so glad he, and consequently all other problems, are out of the game.”
Despite reports that Peel was due to retire in one month and that this punishment doesn’t effectively change the culture of officiating or actually punish the offender, NHL insiders report that the order for Peel’s retirement cake has been canceled.
After the announcement, Hockey Operations VP Colin Campbell spoke from a darkened alley behind NHL HQ.
“Nothing is more important than the integrity of the game. Which is why I watch every minute of every game. I lurk in the parking lots outside of arenas after games. I hunt when the sun sets and the puck drops. My nightmares are haunted by what we’ve been calling The Wild Zebra, a referee gone rogue. Finally, finally, we’ve got him. Tim Peel will never referee again as long as I walk the Earth and NHL games can finally be as fair as possible.”
He then disappeared in a puff of smoke.
