LOS ANGELES – On the heels of the success of last year’s reality shows, Love is Blind and Too Hot to Handle, Netflix has announced the launch of a new reality dating show designed to answer the age-old question: What will it take to get a bunch of sexy people to up and fuck a tree already?
“The answer is: surprisingly little,” said Antonia Randolph, executive producer of the new show, “The show goes a long way to proving that young people in their sexual primes will bone just about anything.”
The show, titled The Taking-It Tree, has a simple premise. One at a time, competitors will be placed in a stark, empty room containing only a single oak tree. Judges will then secretly observe the human and tree via hidden cameras and time how long it takes for them to give into their baser urges and screw each other. If necessary, various romantic paraphernalia to get one or more of the competitors in the mood will be provided. High-Performance, Industrial Strength lubricant will be readily available.
“I don’t want to give anything away but audiences should rest assured that the tree gets fucked early and often,” continued Randolph, “while the exact length of time it takes each participant to finally admit their base desires will be kept as a surprise to the viewers, I can tell you that on more than one occasion it was measured in mere seconds.”
The show repeats Netflix’s predilection to frame their reality shows as some sort of grand, conceptual social experiment despite just being lurid, disgusting spectacles about porking. Producers stress that there is absolutely no prize money at stake so the only incentive for the individuals to commit dendrophilia is sincere emotional attachment and/or sticky lust for the tree. When asked why they even bother, show runners muttered something about “integrity” and then quickly left the room.
“Hopefully this show will make audiences self-reflect and ask themselves the hard questions about their own lives free from sticking things into a tree,” said Randolph unconvincingly in comments about a tree-fucking show, “Plus the tree technically doesn’t have a gender so we’re being inclusive, I think?”
Clips from the show featured in the advance trailer have already given away some of the show’s potential plotlines, all of which revolve around people having explicit sex with a tree. To fill the time between the sapling sucking, an incorporeal host will provide empty and nonsensical narration speculating about the tree-slamming that will certainly happen.
Hudson Brack, a 25 year old pipe-fitter and contestant on the show, discussed his time. “If you’d asked me three weeks ago, I would have said that it would be very easy to win $100K to not fuck a tree. How wrong I was.”
If the show is a success, Netflix hopes to make further seasons expanding the flora to be fucked, including bamboo, venus flytraps, and “plenty of bush”.
