MIAMI, FL – Following the tell-all Oprah interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, fast food royalty Burger King tweeted “Women belong in the kitchen” in an attempt to overtake the British royal family as the world’s most regressive monarchy.
“We are proud to represent tradition and dignity,” said the head of Burger King’s marketing team and 2nd Earl of Frieton. “Ever since the Windsors announced women would no longer take a backseat in the line of succession, we knew that was a gap we could fill.”
In recent years Burger King has quietly instituted a number of conservative policies to compete with the House of Windsor. In 2017 divorce was outlawed among higher-up employees, resulting in at least one district manager abdication, and female employees must now prove their purity by hanging their bloody marriage-bed sheets out the drive-thru window on their first shift.
“Ol’ Lizzie and I have always had a fun, flirtatious rivalry,” said his Royal Majesty the Burger King, cigar smoke wafting from somewhere behind his rubbery mask. “Alas, we never got together because we’re not cousins.”
A spokesperson from Whopper Castle in Miami, Florida, added: “The most regressive monarchy has always been neck and neck! Who goes through the most horse meat annually, whose highest-ranking male looks the most like an undead horror puppet – today was just another round of friendly competition.”
Royal experts claim the British monarchy is losing relevance in the modern day, something Burger King has tried very hard to keep up with. In addition to their International Women’s Day campaign, Burger King will also be banning bastards and landed gentry from their restaurants.
“We knew it would be a challenge to take the lead as the most regressive royal family,” commented the BLT Chicken Jr, heir to the Burger King throne. “The Windsors are spreading themselves too thin with their racism, sexism, apathy for mental health – not to mention their legacy of colonialism. We hope our simple message of sexism will cut through all the noise.”
At press time, the British Royal family could not be reached for comment; however, the royal family of Belgium is expected to tweet something homophobic this week to stay relevant.
