HAMILTON, ONTARIO – Local libertarian Charles Whorley reportedly interjected into a public conversation about vegetables and produce today, confused as to what the subject matter had to do with the age of consent.
“Look, I get what you’re saying, but I don’t understand what that has to do with Canada’s federal age of consent being 16, or 15 if their partner is less than five years older than them,” Whorley commented completely out of nowhere.
The grocery line in which this unprompted exchange took place was reportedly filled with baffled shoppers, who were surprised to find themselves subjected to this sudden outburst of intimate knowledge of Canada’s age of consent laws.
“I just told the clerk that some of the broccoli on the shelf seemed pretty old,” said Mary Shattuck, a woman who was an unwilling participant in this random lecture, “then this guy starts talking about who’s ‘old enough to give sexual consent, a fact that people like [me] haven’t thought about.’ Of fucking course I haven’t thought about it.”
Shattuck then turned away to pack her groceries, but once the man who can recite The Fountainhead word for word reached the checkout kiosk, it was too late to stop the incoming, and completely unnecessary, information dump about the legality of sexual exploits with and/or by teenagers.
“You know, it used to be 14,” Whorley blithely continued, as he unloaded his cart filled entirely with Mountain Dew and various kinds of Hot Pockets. “Just something to think about,” he remarked almost wistfully to uncomfortable silence.
“Listen, if the government didn’t interfere in our every waking moment, the corporations would treat us just fine. All of history tells us this,” the man who has clearly not read any history told us when asked about the grocery store incident, “but again, I fail to see what this interview has to do with what age teenagers can legally have sex. What’s the relevance of this?”
After finishing his shopping and returning to his 1998 Pontiac Sunfire, Whorley loudly condemned the then-red traffic light as government persecution.
