Did you disagree with a man? Is he sulking but he won’t tell you why? Are you now stuck in this odd place where he’s mad at you for calling him out, even though you were absolutely in the right to do so? Congratulations! (Winner! Gagnant!) You’ve stumbled into the wormhole that is appeasing the male ego! Prepare to navigate this intricate, unnecessarily complicated psyche of men – like a Cirque du Soleil show where everything is made out of glass. So whether you asked him to stop making off-colour jokes or offered to help him assemble that Ikea bookshelf, we’re here to help with these five sure-fire ways to console a man’s ego. Keep that hard hat and hammer ready, because this is a home improvement project you didn’t ask for but somehow, is now your responsibility!
1. The whole “fine” yards – after he comes to the realization that he was wrong, he’ll probably come at you with a slurry of excuses that he’ll assure you “aren’t justifications for his behaviour” even though they absolutely are. He’ll want to provide “context” or “explain his intentions” as if, at this point, that’s a concern to you. It’s important to note that none of this will be an apology. The closest you may get is “we were both wrong”. Either way, hit him with an “it’s fine”. It won’t be, of course, but your feelings don’t matter! All that matters is that you swaddle that sweet, supple lil ego.
2. Use your words (but only the nice ones!) – According to Psychologist Marsha Amari, men tend to take words more literally and then paint their world with one giant generalization. For example, if you request a male coworker to supply you those numbers sooner next time so you can include them in the upcoming quarterly meeting, he’ll believe you’re calling him lazy. “What about all the times I did it right, though? Why does one action erase all my efforts? WHY ARE YOU OVERREACTING?!” so consider using every third word to call him out, like “Hey handsome SHUT UP you are LAZY, I ASKED FOR THOSE NUMBERS WEEKS AGO and you’re so big and strong and UNQUALIFIED FOR THIS JOB can you help me open this jar of FUCK YOU peanut butter, hunk?”
3. Take a piss outta Oedipus! – After that unsettling blow up, he’ll sulk back to you after realizing how dumb it was for him to get upset that you compared him to John Legend. He won’t admit it, though! You’ll need to help him process his feelings for him! However, you’ll need to be gentle, like how his mother used to be. So, keep a kit containing some channel no. 4, a berry-cherry chapstick, and a curly sue wig ready so you can become his mother STAT. Ladies, make sure you practice her shrill, nagging voice! Alternatively: build a back-up kit containing a set of iron keys and a Hagrid beard so you can easily become his emotional gatekeeper at a moment’s notice.
4. Accessorize and Incentivize – It’s not his fault that he grew up in a world where he was prioritized and made to feel like he must always be right or else. If he’s inconsolable, the easiest way to pacify him is to hand him an xbox controller and some lube. Tell him to go blow up those bad guys (in more ways than one! Wink!) Let him tucker himself out! Just make sure you don’t call him a little boy or else you’ll be back to number one.
5. Take the reins, daddy – Finally, and possibly the most important, men like to be in charge and exert their dominance. After you ask him to stop leaving his towel on the floor, he’ll take that as a personal attack and be sent into a whirlwind of insecurity. Literally watch him flounder as he tries to one-up you. So, let him! Ask him for directions to somewhere or even what to eat for lunch (because he’s the smartest and knows the best food!) Make him feel like a goddamn stallion and that you’re just the pasture grass that nurtures him. Tip: Repetitiously banging two empty plastic cups on a table are a great way to make cloppity clop horse sounds! He’ll like this!
Like this article? Check out “how to make your man feel like a king by buying him a boat after he does the absolutely bare minimum.”
