NATIONWIDE – As COVID restrictions tighten and the uncertainty of family gatherings looms, uncles across Canada are scrambling to pre-record their racist rants for extended families to enjoy over Christmas dinner.
“It’s important to uphold family traditions regardless of what the holidays look like,” said Uncle Joe, from Regina, who often waits until 8 minutes into Christmas dinner to provide his hot takes on immigration. “This year, it was a little tricky to gauge when to pivot and start loudly spewing baseless facts about how immigrants are taking jobs since I didn’t have the mortified reactions of my niece to feed off of. But I figured it out!”
Although most uncles across Canada were able to adjust their various socially conservative rants to fit the new medium – like Uncle Mark in St. John’s who took advantage of Zoom’s digital background feature with a confederate flag background – some uncles are reportedly disappointed that a pre-recorded rant is not the same.
“I miss the intense, direct eye contact I give my nephew whenever I go off on how white people experience reverse racism,” stated Uncle Steve, in Vancouver. “Or the extra flavour of the rant steadily getting more racist as I drink rum and cokes.”
“And what happens if a brand new race is discovered in the month between recording and Christmas?” declared Uncle Harry from Ontario. “It’s important that the rant remains relevant or else it’s even more fodder for my family to say I’m outdated!”
According to Uncle Frank in Halifax, it took a couple run throughs to get his video right because the first time he somehow recorded it without audio and the second time he sat with the window behind him so you couldn’t see his face, but eventually he nailed it.
“I liked being able to record my rant!” added Uncle Frank. “I even pre-recorded alternative endings depending on predicted reactions, like they did with the Clue movie. So, if my niece tells me ‘my support of anti-maskers are irresponsible and stupid’, the video will play the ending where I say ‘well, I’m entitled to my opinion’ or if she just swears and storms off, it’ll play the ending where I say ‘well, I’m entitled to my opinion’.”
In an email interview, Avery Miller, niece of Uncle Walter in Montreal, admitted that it’s not Christmas without her uncle’s unwarranted rhetoric. “Especially with 2020 being what it was, I was so ready to counter his disparaging thoughts on defunding the police. I guess I can always argue with him on Facebook…”
Meanwhile, a national survey conducted by the government of Canada shows 78% of nieces and nephews are looking forward to playing their uncle’s racist rant in the background for some Christmas dinner ambiance, like the fireplace channel.
At press time, the nation’s Aunts have pre-recorded their side comments about your weight and are ready to send it as soon as they figure how to attach a video file to an email.
