THORNHILL, ON – After years of training and countless displays of wrath, a local woman levelled up from her previous iteration as a common Becky and finally achieved her true form: that of a gruesome, deadly Karen.
“I was actually born Rebecca O’Neill but one day I went in for a haircut that the stylist cut a bit too short, and ever since then everyone in my life began referring to me as Karen O’Neill, or ‘Ma’am, please calm down,’” said the annoyed woman tapping her acrylic nails on her kitchen table.
“It’s like that Jennifer Garner movie 13 Going on 30, except one day I was 27, and now I’m 44 and screaming into a cell phone because I saw a Black man going into his own house.”
While experts admit that the mononyn may sound innocuous enough, many warn that once in their final evolution, Karens are able to enact a level of violence so brutal and intense that you’d have to be a white woman in order to escape reprimand.
“It started innocently enough, I began requesting to see the manager after I wasn’t allowed to make a return because I didn’t have the receipt,” huffed O’Neill pushing up her sunglasses. “But then I began routinely calling the cops whenever I noticed Black people enjoying themselves in public.”
The newly formed Karen O’Neill is just one of thousands rampaging through suburbs selling Mary Kay cosmetics, posting their anti-vaxx beliefs online, and demanding to see the permits of children hosting lemonade stands on the sidewalk.
When pressed for comment about whether or not she will level-up again, O’Neill pushed up her leather tote and screamed that she felt threatened and “would not be spoken to in that tone of voice.”
