TORONTO – As part of the province’s stage three reopening protocol, a local gay bar has installed plexiglass to protect patrons against an influx of straight women.
“Safety is our top priority,” said Max Fledger, owner of a popular drag bar who installed the plexiglass last week. “We’re hoping the glass barrier will provide substantial protection against the pandemic that is straight women co-opting queer spaces.”
“Oh, and I’m sure it’ll also help stop the spread of COVID, too,” added Fledger.
The state-of-the-art plexiglass encloses the bar, DJ booth, stage, and dance floor, allowing queer people to gather on the inside and straight women to observe through the glass barrier, on the outside. According to Fledger, once the province hits further stages of reopening, he plans on installing arrows on the floor for straight women to take a lap around the plexiglass and then out the door. “Straight women treat gay bars like a zoo anyways, so may as well lean into it.”
“I’m kinda offended!!” declared Britney Jamison, who claimed to understand the importance of safe spaces because she watched Drag Race and listened to Drag Coven. “I mean, it’ll be a little hard to force a gay man to make out with me from behind the glass, but I’ll find a way!”
In a report released by the manufacturers, the two-inch-thick barrier claims to be excellent at muffling the “Woos!” of drunk straight girls, and the industrial strength material guarantees to withstand up to a thousand tonnes of force or one 12-person bachelorette party.
“I don’t want to completely ostracize straight women,” added Fledger “So, we made sure to carve out little circles in the barrier, in certain sections, for straight girls to stick their head through. Sort of like those cut-outs at pumpkin patches where you put your head through and take a picture as if you were Scarecrow Sally.”
“I love Ben Dela Crème!” exclaimed Carly McFarlen, a Woo-girl from Waterloo as she tested the cut out. “Woo! And Trixie Matel! Woo! I took the Go-Train in to see her tonight! Woo! Are they here ? I stan them! WOO!!!”
At press time, Ballrooms have installed plexiglass barriers to stop the spread of cis-gay men appropriating Black queer culture.
