Four stars of The Real Housewives franchise were electrocuted to death Animaniacs style, after throwing wine on their laptops during a Reunion Zoom special. Marissa Dump, Hillary Thonk, Rebessica Laniard the Third, and Dr. Barbie Kunk AKA ‘Lil Babie Kunky’ were all pronounced dead at the scene, burnt to a crisp with nothing left but their “cellphones with receipts” which medics confirmed, further acted as a conduit.
Producer of the Beverly Hills franchise, Rick Floss opined that he’s devastated, thrilled, shocked, titillated but hardly surprised. “Our housewives have been throwing wine at anyone and everything since the dawn of time: co-workers, nannies, small dogs, the poor, plant life, mimes, basically anything that’s “clearly not being 100 to the face.” Says Floss: “I once saw a housewife pour a glass of merlot into an open casket… it was deserved.”
“We train our housewives from day one,” Floss continued. “Kind of like in a ‘Men in Black’ target practice type situation. We load ‘em up with chardonnay while wooden cutouts pop out: skank, skank, liar, woman with baby, skank, alien, skank, gold-digger, grandma with a walker, skank cheater, bank robber, and so on.” We call them slaptisms: slapping with a sauvignon baptism.
As for what caused the initial fight, producers were confused. “It seemed Lil Babie Kunky AKA ‘The Kunkubine’ was mad that Marcia texted Hillary a screenshot of test results that implied her dog was in fact: not gay.” further stating “I dunno – earlier this season it was about how that mermaid drowned at her white party and that her new iPhone was too fat, but honestly, I think she’s still mad that her ears went missing after that surgery.”
Fans were relieved that at least some of their housewives survived, chiefly because of the remaining wives, two were cardboard cutouts, and the third, ‘The Clowntess,’ doesn’t appear in mirrors or screens, because technically speaking, she’s a vampyr.
When asked if Bravo would still air the reunion, Producer Andy Cohen’s responded, “Not only will we air it, we’ve signed the ladies ashes for a fifth season in a very lucrative deal with Faustus.” A stark contrast to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, which at time of print, confirmed only three deaths, when Demon Bambi, Agent of Chaos Brandi Glanville detonated a composited C4 explosive on set.
