CALGARY – In a big win, 32-year-old Dave Frescos has finally managed to gather the internal strength necessary to floss for two nights in a row after weeks quarantined alone in a basement apartment.
Having averaged one floss per month in the past quarter, these latest trends have exponentially boosted Frescos’ dental hygiene and self-esteem.
“Like so many others, I have been spiralling lately. But when I realized I was re-watching the final season of Game of Thrones and not minding it, I knew it was time to regain control of my life,” Dave boldly declared from his sparsely furnished den. “So, I decided to try flossing again and when I noticed I had completed my daily hygiene routine two days in a row, I realized I’m fucking awesome.”
Up until this moment in the pandemic, Dave’s life deteriorated to the point that he has stopped showering regularly, seriously considered reaching out to his high school buddies, and has exclusively eaten overcooked Kraft Dinner. However, since the floss things have trended upwards for Dave, as he recently completed a Masterclass by Chef Gordon Ramsay and even managed to cook scrambled eggs without setting off the fire alarm once.
Frescos’ upstairs neighbour and mother, Val Frescos, has also voiced her support for her son, claiming that she noticed an uptick in her son’s attractiveness and a reduction of her son’s bad breath. After being questioned on her hope for Dave getting his life back together Ms. Frescos replied, “Life back together? Yes, maybe he’ll even get his wife back together. With him. He’s divorced.”
With these lifestyle changes underway, Frescos plans to maintain his optimism as long as he can hold onto his tenuous flossing streak. “I bet by this time next week I’ll be wearing deodorant again and probably even having sex!” Frescos exclaimed while mowing the lawn for the first time in a year.
As for long term goals, the newly-flossing bachelor hopes to fix his haphazard sleep schedule, get started on the screenplay he has always been meaning to write, and serve adequate scrambled eggs to his old high school buddies.
