KITCHENER, ON – A notorious fruit fly that has been pestering the home of a local couple, has finally been captured early this morning. When his motives were questioned, the fruit fly simply said he wanted to “suck and fuck.”
“If I’m lucky, my lifespan is 50 days. So I like to live by the mantra ‘here for a good time, not a long time,’” buzzed the promiscuous winged bug. “It’s not like they were gonna eat those rotting watermelon rinds anyway, so just relax my guy!”
The little insect in question has single-handedly been responsible for the exponential growth in the fruit fly population residing in Nicolette and Imani’s kitchen. The fly has been fruitfully spreading his tiny seed at an alarming rate by wining and dining, followed by dating and mating every single fruit fly he has encountered to date.
“I came into this world with only one objective- to have my mouth full at all times. Whether that’s a mouthful of discarded produce or a mouthful of fruit fly titty, it’s all the same to me,” said the D. melanogaster while rubbing his legs together. “I guess you could say my world philosophy aligns with Epicurean hedonism, baby.”
“I just wish those babes whose house I’m living in could see that I’m not hurtin’ no one. Ain’t a crime to want to get your freak on some compost ahaha.”
The young women who have had to share their space with the devilishly suave fruit fly say they are relieved to finally be rid of his philandering ways. However, sources are reporting that thousands of larvae are currently being hatched on top of left-out orange peels ready to take up their father’s mantle.
