BALTIMORE – All eyes are on John Hopkins Hospital as the future of one of the most powerful political entities in the history of the human race comes down to the ability of the white blood cells of one 87-year-old woman to continue to fight off infection.
“Right now, there are about 20 billion leukocytes stopping Donald Trump from naming his third Supreme Court justice. I know 20 billion sounds like a lot, but they’re very very small and were produced by an immune system that’s been running non-stop for just shy of a century,” said political biologist Kendra Patel. “That’s an awful lot of pressure on an organic factory that’s been cranking out its product since 1933.”
It’s not known if the founders of the United States system of government envisioned a day when the functioning of that government would be determined by the ability of the T-cells and antibodies of an unelected octogenarian to work in tandem with antibiotics and endoscopic procedures to destroy a bacterial infection, but given that those founders predate antibiotics, endoscopic procedures, and germ theory, it’s unlikely.
“Justice Ginsburg, and by extension the world’s largest economy and most powerful military, is currently stable,” her doctor said in an update about her condition and therefore the condition of a country with a population of 330 million people. “She is resting comfortably. I’m a fucking wreck, but she’s comfortable.”
At press time, a man located two miles away from the hospital room where Ginsburg is recovering was apologizing profusely for thoughtlessly and recklessly sneezing in that general direction.
