WORLDWIDE – Attendance of regularly scheduled Illuminati council meetings have dropped to 40%, largely due to technical issues with the video meeting hosting programs being used.
“I mean, It keeps saying connecting, but then it never stops loading,” said long time member and U.S. Senator Elton Sawer. “Normally, I would get my assistant to set this up, but then I’d have to kill her. The timing couldn’t be worse. We were finally going to make plans for starting World War III this week!”
Even though some of the cabal members have made into the call, many inside are also reporting plenty of technical issues. “Everyone looks like a blurry hood, I can’t tell who’s saying what,” complained Samsung executive Cameron Redpath. “I think Bezos said something about activating our agents in Korea, but the sound cut out, so I don’t know if they were referring to the North or South! Really wish we had let in that Zuckerberg kid last year.”
In addition to the technical difficulties, many members feel that video conferencing is not an ideal venue for Illuminati meetings. “I don’t have enough room to draw a good pentagram in my home office. Plus my kids keep walking when we’re about to start the blood sacrifice,” Redpath commented.
“And let’s not forget that the orgy is a total non-starter now.”
Despite technical difficulties, the elite, shadowy architects of the New World Order have attempted to troubleshoot the issues in a number of ways. “I’ve tried refreshing the page, I’ve tried leaving the call and rejoining it. I even stepped out of my underground lair to see if I could get a better signal, but nothing works,” said Weird Al Yankovic. “I’m starting to wonder if starting this pandemic was a good idea in the first place.”
This isn’t the first time technical issues have plagued the Illuminati. Reports that the organization has had trouble turning on the tiny cameras on the U.S. dollar bill, putting subliminal messages on newer smartphones, and hacking the 1800 election.
In related news, the lizard people were reportedly having their own issues with video calls, as no one would pay for a pro account.
