CALGARY – After announcing that the Calgary Stampede would be cancelled for the first time in its 108-year history due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Stampede organizers were at pains to stress that this would not hinder the traditional killing of chuckwagon horses that accompany the large rodeo festival.
“While ‘The Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth’ will sadly not go on this year, we want everyone to rest assured that the equine slaughter that goes along with it will continue,” a spokesperson for the Stampede said. “Since the horse death toll can fall anywhere between zero and twelve in a given year, we’ve decided to go with the average and kill two point five horses.”
“There is still some debate about whether the half a horse should be a juvenile horse, a miniature horse, or a pony, we’ll let the public know once that minor detail has been ironed out.”
The chuckwagon races have typically been the deadliest activity for horses in the Stampede, with the second highest number of horse deaths attributed to equipment failure caused by horses riding midway attractions designed for much lighter humans.
“We considered holding off and simply doubling the number of horse deaths at the 2021 Stampede, but it was decided that killing several horses this year will give Calgarians a taste of the normality that has sadly been taken from us,” the Stampede spokesperson continued. “And if people want to eat a fried donut and drink a beer while they watch along from home, we will be livestreaming the euthanization online, for charity.”
After somehow catching wind of their impending deaths, several chuckwagon horses were seen stampeding in what their handlers believe is a touching tribute to the cancelled rodeo.
