TORONTO – In the face of mounting losses, plummeting stock prices, idle jets and the suspension of major spectator sports a number of airlines have announced they will hold jet demolition derbies to make up for lost revenue during the Covid-19 pandemic.
“Why the fuck not?” Air Canada CEO Calin Rovinescu said. “This entire industry has been circling the drain for about 20 years now. Rising fuel costs, economic crises, passenger complaints, militaries firing fucking missiles at us. If we’re going down let’s at least bash some of these big sons of bitches together and have some fun.”
The airlines announced that spectators would be kept under the 50 person limit on mass gatherings thanks to strict security measures and all the burning jet fuel.
Pilots were enthused about the new venture. “I’m almost definitely getting laid off no matter what. So yeah I think it’ll be cool to rip around the tarmac in ol’ Betsy here a few more times,” said WestJet pilot Darren Cowherd while gesturing to a Boeing 777 featuring newly painted flames on the side.
CBC and NBC immediately announced partnerships with the new Jet Demolition League. The broadcasters were excited to have something to show besides Belorussian Hockey League highlights, Vancouver riot retrospectives, and whatever Air Bud sequel is the cheapest to license.
A CBC spokesperson declared “this is something we’re excited to branch into now that everything else is cancelled. We’re proud to be able to bring the country together in our shared love of giant things smacking into each other. And our audience can rest assured knowing this is probably still safer than football.”
Analysts confirmed the market was perfectly primed for the new venture, and that prospects for Vince McMahon’s competing Cruise Ship Demolition Association are also looking bright.
