GENEVA – A bombshell paper recently published in the Journal of Astrophysics about the age of the universe has revealed that all current estimates are based entirely on the size and composition of the universe’s CD collection.
“The method is quite similar to calculating the age of a tree based on the number of rings, only in this case it’s counting the number of Pulp Fiction soundtracks contained within the universe,” said astronomer Gillian Fordham.
Old models used to rely on tracking the expansion rate of the universe to work backwards to determine its age, but these have fallen out of use after it was demonstrated mathematically that universal expansion is more closely linked to a universe’s cheese and beer ratio rather than its age. CD dating has proven to be a much more reliable methodology.
Despite how extensively adopted this approach to dating the universe has become, there is still debate about how to properly apply it. Many scientists believe the most widely accepted estimate of 13.8 billion years could be off by as much as ten percent because multi-disc releases like the Beatles Box Set should be counted individually rather than as a set.
“Unfortunately, there’s no way to confirm the age of the universe using other music formats. All of our theoretical models agree that both young and old universes can contain the same amount of vinyl,” Fordham says.
In related news, the universe is strenuously objecting to a new scientific consensus that the beginning of reality should be referred to from now on as the Big Boom and any space-time continuums resulting from that event are therefore Boomers.
