HANLAN’S POINT, ON – Exposing as much skin as humanly possible to the wrinkling effects of the sun’s ultraviolet rays, sources close to the situation at the clothing optional beach at Hanlan’s Point say everyone who has chosen to strip nude is “absolutely hideous.”
Noting that, “gross, overweight white men with shrivelled penises from the cold water” representing the majority of the nude bathers, witness report feeling a sense of discomfort and confusion over their own feelings during what they believed would be a fun and freeing exercise in body positivity.
“I’d never gone to a nude beach before,” said Sandra, who wished to keep her last name private out of fear that everyone will think her nude body was also absolutely hideous. “I don’t understand it. Statistically you’d think there would be at least some attractive naked people here, right?”
“I was always told that the human body was beautiful, but maybe we’re all disgusting without our clothing? Is that possible?” she added.
Hanlan’s Point was first deemed clothing optional in 1999. Ever since then the section of the Toronto Island has been dedicated to a select few who shamelessly release their weird and repugnant flesh at each other while swimming in Lake Ontario.
Experts have been divided on how best to maintain their own values of dignifying people for who they are inside while attempting to account for the flock of grotesque bare beach goers that stains the sands of the clothing optional beach with their revolting overly tanned carcasses.
One expert hypothesized early on in his research that it was perhaps a function of the harsh lighting, the irritating sand and the cold water, but that idea was abandoned as soon as researchers headed into the field and realized just how gross everyone was. Currently the prevailing theory that made everyone comfortable was that all of the horrifying swimmers at Hanlan’s Point were, “also hideous on the inside.”
At press time, a young, hot couple has joined the beach, but decided to keep their sweaters on to avoid being looked at.
