TORONTO – Following a terrifying appearance of a werewolf in Toronto’s High Park, 33-year-old accountant Felicia Delmont was savagely ripped to pieces due to her complete and utter refusal to engage in the necessary act of running.
“It was awful,” recounted jogger Justin Miller, who witnessed the horrifying attack. “We were both running as hard as we could away from the beast, and then ten seconds later, all I hear is her yell ‘Nope! This is not worth it! I would rather die!’ I turned around just in time to see her give up, lie down on the ground, and accept her fate.”
Tearful confusion spread across Miller’s face. “Even when the werewolf started mauling her, she kept proclaiming that the sweet release of death would free her from having to engage in physical activity ever again.”
The news of Delmont’s death was met with sadness, but not surprise, from those who knew her.
“Yeah, that makes a lot of sense,” admitted Bret Rawlings, a personal trainer at the gym Felicia had attended exactly once in January after a well-meaning but ultimately futile New Year’s resolution. “I was in charge of her initial fitness assessment, and after three minutes on the treadmill she started crying, threw up, and announced she was going home to eat pizza, because ‘pizza didn’t judge her’.”
“I feel so guilty,” mourned Felicia’s sister, Sarah, a yoga instructor and marathon enthusiast. “I’ve been trying to get her to join me on my daily morning run for years, but every time I asked, she would just laugh hysterically until I changed the subject.
“Maybe if I had asked her one more time, this wouldn’t have happened. Maybe she would have realized that running isn’t ‘Satan’s Hobby’, as she always called it. I guess I’ll never know.”
According to her family, Delmont was buried in a pair of $200 running shoes she had never worn.
