TORONTO – In a landmark ruling yesterday, 31-year-old Robin Whitewood was declared not guilty of the first-degree murder of her roommate Sharon after her lawyer successfully argued that Whitewood only committed the crime because Mercury had been in retrograde that month.
“Robin and I are thrilled with the verdict,” exclaimed Whitewood’s attorney, Karen Stenson, addressing reporters outside the courthouse. “As I explained in court, when Robin was violently stabbing her friend and roommate to death for eating her hummus for the third time, there was nothing she could have done to stop it. You can’t argue with astrology. It’s just science.”
Judge George Connelly, who presided over the case, believes that the trial would set an important precedent for years to come. “I can’t say that I was initially convinced that a huge chunk of space rock changing direction could have such an incredible effect on a person’s free will,” he admitted in his chambers after the verdict. “But then I realized, if I rule in her favour, this will get me off the hook for so many things I’ve personally done. Hear that, Debra? I only cheated on our marriage because of an optical space illusion!”
Whitewood has vowed to check her horoscope more frequently to avoid further homicide. “As a Libra, my inner harmony has been completely upended by this whole ordeal,” she said, anxiously fiddling with an amazonite bracelet to calm her nerves. “But I’m going to make a real effort to avoid future retrograde disasters through meditation, reiki, and by avoiding roommates who steal my hummus.”
At press time, the Toronto Courthouse had instructed its judges to begin using haruspicy, or divination through the examination of animal entrails, to select the most auspicious of juries.
