Jacksonville, FL — Florida resident Dave Peterson has spent the majority of his afternoon desperately watching for potential threats after having a totally regular, non-headline-worthy day.
“I’m tempting fate just talking about it,” warned an anxious Peterson, 48, at his suburban home. “It’s almost dinner time and I haven’t felt compelled to do anything inexplicably insane. Last week alone I somehow managed to set myself on fire at a daycare, accidentally eat bath salts and bite a cop, and wander into an alligator enclosure where I had to punch my way to freedom. But today? Today I just went to work, got groceries, and mowed the lawn. I’m terrified. Something big has to be coming my way.”
Dave’s neighbour, Paul Conrad, was equally confused.
“Well now, that just doesn’t add up,” said the retired teacher, nursing a shoulder injury from being speared by an eel in a freak fishing accident the day before. “I’ve known Dave for five years, and I’ve never seen him have a day that didn’t include some absolute batshit nonsense. Is he worried? I’d be worried. Now if you’ll excuse me, I feel like doing some meth and tattooing my face.”
The only person feeling hopeful about the uncanny situation is Peterson’s long-suffering wife, Linda.
“Ever since we moved to Florida, Dave has been different,” she explained. “When we lived in Vermont, every day was just an average American day. Now, it seems like I can’t get through a work shift without seeing Dave on the local news for reasons he can’t explain. Maybe today is the start of a new chapter. Maybe today Dave won’t get drunk and try to fight the local mongoose nest.”
Mr. Peterson was last seen dousing himself in gasoline and standing under the cloudless blue sky, daring the weather to hit him with a freak lightning strike to end his horrifying curse of normalcy.
