WASHINGTON – The Republican party sent out a press release earlier today confirming their long-held stance that the boundaries of human life begin at conception and end at the exact moment your health insurance expires.
The party doubled-down on its stance, stating that they will continue to fight for the rights of all unborn children while also continuing to systematically end the lives of those who cannot afford medical care by shutting down any and all attempts of socialized medicine and affordable healthcare.
“I support my party and the values they stand by,” says Burt Derinson a registered Republican of over 30 years. “No one has any right to let an unborn child die, however after that child is born it better find a way to be readily capable of paying off hundreds of thousands in unexpected medical bills should something tragic befall them, just the way God intended.”
The party claims that its desire to defund Planned Parenthood amongst other valuable medical resources is one of – not only morality – but also social equality.
“Never in my life have I had to use Planned Parenthood, so it’s clear that it’s a wasted resource,” claims Kristapher Rast, a 52-year-old upper-middle class man from New England. “It’s unfair to expect other people to pay for your medical bills, which is why when my father got sick we created a GoFundMe page, raising money through family and community members. None of this socialism garbage.”
As of press time, the Republican party has stated that those ineligible to vote are also considered to have already passed on.
