WASHINGTON D.C. – The White House has announced that Vladimir Putin will be visiting Donald Trump in the United States this fall. Only days after the duo’s Helsinki summit ended with Trump appearing to invoke takesy backsies on the encounter, the US President has responded to growing backlash by calling a do-over, insisting that the media reported his reversal without first shouting Simon Says.
Coming on the heels of an awkward appearance in London where he repeatedly referred to the Queen as Mother May I, Trump’s meeting with Putin was roundly criticized at home, upsetting the president so much he spent much of the afternoon playing alone in the War Room’s sandbox. “Once again, the fake news has used fake video and fake audio to lie about the touchdowns I scored over Russia in a totally believable way,” tweeted the president. “So I will have to do it again since people weren’t looking the first time. Red Rover, Red Rover, send Putin on over.”
Citing legal precedent established by Rubber v Glue, White House Press Secretary and future KFC board member Sarah Huckabee Sanders defended the visit at a White House briefing that was already in progress when she found out about it. Despite the press room’s longstanding “no tagbacks” policy, the media immediately lobbied members of Congress for truth over dare.
Although initially critical of Trump’s performance in Helsinki, Congressional GOP members were quick to forgive the president and continue play. “The president told me he couldn’t have met with Putin because he was invisible at the time, and I take him at his word,” said Speaker of the House and recent spine donor Paul Ryan. “He’s on my team, so unless it’s Opposite Day, we’re going back to call this first one a practice shot.”
