TORONTO – The Toronto Police Services are celebrating the bravery shown by officer Brian Murnane today as he successfully confiscated a bottle of wine in Trinity Bellwoods Park, restoring peace and order following the terrifying uncorking of the alcoholic beverage. In addition to the wine, he also seized over two dozen tall cans of beer, all of which were displayed in rows on a table during a press conference at police headquarters today.
“We managed to avoid absolute chaos today,” explained Toronto Police Chief Mark Saunders. “When anybody opens up any sort of container of alcohol in one of Toronto’s parks, it’s only a matter of time before somebody consumes that alcohol, and that’s when things can REALLY get out of control. Conversations run the risk of becoming looser and more personal, and in extreme situations can even turn in to bouts of singing.”
Witnesses to the scene described the heroic actions of officer Murane as he approached a woman in her 20s who was in the middle of pouring wine into a plastic cup. “He told her that it was illegal to consume alcohol in the park and requested that she hand over the bottle,” recounted concerned witness Karen Roberts. “Instead of handing it over, though, she said ‘You’ve got to be kidding me.’ At that moment, it felt like anything could happen.”
According to multiple accounts, Murane proceeded to put his life on the line by physically removing the bottle from the unnamed woman and pouring it out into the grass. The alleged law-breaker is reported to have complained “Aren’t these laws just supposed to be for poor people? That wasn’t even Wine Rack wine!”
“Thousands of people use Toronto’s parks every single day,” Saunders stated. “That park-going experience is always just a few drops of alcohol away from descending into a criminal nightmare. We are so proud that officer Murane upheld the law today, and miraculously did so without unholstering his weapon.”
