Toronto – A study confirming that you lead a bad and pathetic life has passed peer review: even though this has always been obvious, even to the layperson.
“Obviously getting published in the Journal of Applied Behavioural Science is an honour,” said head researcher Lynn Campbell. “But the fact that it’s the greatest honour you’ve ever received is honestly pretty heartbreaking.”
The rigorous study into your existence took the team of scientists down what one referred to as a ‘rabbit-hole of blundering misery’ so cringeworthy that it caused not one, but four researchers to quit the project.
‘Oh God, I just can’t stand watching you tank another first date,’ was cited as the main reason for leaving.
“This study was gruelling and thankless work, much like the career that you’ve chosen,” said Campbell. “But now we know with scientific certainty that the way you live is just as boring and lame as you thought.”
“Maybe even worse!”
While the study initially had its detractors, these have since been convinced by the truly gargantuan amount of evidence collected.
“At first I had my doubts, but these researchers put together a compelling case. I’m a big enough person to admit that I was wrong, ” said your mom. “Just… get it together, Sweetie, okay?”
At press time, your crush was definitely sleeping with someone whose body was nicer and who said less boneheaded things than you.
